Don't worry, you ARE me

 Hey my guy.  You're 3 right now.  Just turned. Your mind is accelerating at a pace that is foreign to me. You understand exponentially more than me. 

You may be tempted to spend your life trying to be like me. 

Don't worry. You ARE me. 

Want to become more like me? Become more like yourself. By listening to your heart, your muscles, and your lungs. 

Everything I ever gave you, you have written into your height, your feet, your fingers and your smile. Your mom was a much more willing giver.  Thank God.

There are things i am wrong about. There are things i lied to you about. These were calculated risks.  I tried my best as a father.

_____

You are you.  That will always be enough for me. 

Your mother and i love you and your sister very much. 

Best Cousins Ever

 

As the ceiling fan spins above us, we ate playing on my new birthday gift.  My new carpet, with a whole world on it. 

And now blocks. Blocks that I always thought were more fun with just me building. But now, all of a sudden, a town is popping up all around me. I can sing a song I love, and then take a deep breath and let go of the fear of loss, and then

I have six hands instead of two. And my town has legos and blocks and police cars and I'm happier than I've ever been.

Letting go brings me happiness.

3

"Adulting is Hard"

 RyRy said this to me, today. 

He had just paid off a credit card. The bank gave him a $25 credit, because he paid it off in full.

I dont know much about this world, but I'm pretty sure there is a catch. A catch RyRy will find out about sometime between now and

When he's sitting in the recliner, with a young buck on the couch,

Telling him that adulting is hard.

And he will love his kids, and will try to figure out ways

To make it less hard

Why is dada on phone again?

 My dad is on his phone again. 

We are supposed to be playing "town" on my new town mat, with my new cars.

I hope he gets off soon

8 pm. Waiting for the day to start

 We are laying in bed. I'm absolutely exhausted. We just spent the past 12 hours putting on a disjointed, unrehearsed, train wreck performance. We co-starred as parents and adults that are in charge and in control. Our audience was one 2 year-old.

Noah is laying in his crib, watching his favorite bedtime show. It's mostly classical music playing over shots of sea turtles. Once he falls asleep, and we can hear his breathing pattern change, then our day starts.

We have no life. We have no friends. We have no time. Love with a child is less about actively loving each other, and more about learning to appreciate your partner's role in the world of the child.  

Or maybe it's not supposed to be that at all. I have no idea.  I've done this exactly as many times as everyone else who does it, and who will ever do it.   None times. 

I have no idea.  But I do recognize the value of it.  I recognize the value of the individual we are performing for. His future is more valuable than both of ours together. 

80 percent of adults aged 18-29 realize global warming is a threat to human life. That number has almost certainly ticked upward,  since whenever the survey was actually done. 

My guess is that about 99 percent of 2 year-olds think so.  They just don't know they know. Or no one is asking them what they think about the year 2090. Or no one is asking them what it will feel like to have their first child in the year 2050.

I miss Vanessa. She is 12 inches away.  We can't talk. It would keep the baby up. 

I don't know why. We aren't that interesting. 

It's been a great six months for our kids,  in a lot of ways.  I guess that's all you really want in life.  

Damn it. He just stood up.

_____

Actually that was pretty nice. He wanted walkies. Walkies is when we walk together to go to sleep. It's nice. We've been skiing it for years now. I'm already dreading the day we can't, and the day he stops asking.  

Since I stayed writing this, Nyah sent me a video to watch.  

I really love my kids. And Vanessa

9:32 at night

Time to start our day

Vanessa's Bar, in 1007 words

 It is what it is.

It is.

Everyone Works

We lie in bed, waiting for our son to surrender. The day has been too fun to let go without a fight.

Eventually, time wins. It has amazing stamina.

Time will win. Time earns it. Time works really hard.

I miss trees. I'm excited to become a better gardener. Vanessa sent me a video that explained that forests aren't even "forests," exactly. They're more like cultivated gardens, from hundreds and thousands of years ago.  Humans are a "habitat manipulator" species. Just like beavers.  Beavers cut down trees to make their homes. So do humans.  Beavers listen to their instincts and let trees grow back so they have more trees next time.

We are habitat manipulators. There is no shame in that. The key is converting my old guilt into new, healthy, humble pride.  Proud of my place in nature. Being as present as I can to my surroundings.

My great shift can be a focus on living things. My wife and son instead of my phone and tablet.  Taking great care of our pets.  Cleaning my sink and dishes every night before bed,  so insects aren't confused and think I want them inside. My words say no, but when I don't care for my environment by doing my chores, my actions are an invitation.

Nature cares more about actions. It rarely allows us to explain why it is wrong. My whole life, I've never talked my way out of a bug bite.

So my focus shifts. At some point, maybe, I'll submit a post to this blog, and it will be the last one I write.  That will be a day that I sing.

We also won't worry about all ther writing between now and then. I'm  flawed,  but sho is every living thing.  No reason to feel bad for a universal truth.

Just let it go

He's asleep, I think.