a priori/a posteriori

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Year 3, Day 26

Last night, I delivered an uninspiring set, at the Funny Bone.

Mrs. Butterfly said the set felt like prison food.  It felt like something that got slopped down in front of you.  It was boring, with a lack of direction, a lack of focus, and a lack of feeling.

A lack of heart.

She is right.  The crowd was right.  And the judges were right.

I don't totally know how to proceed.  But I want to document this moment.  To me, that's important.

I also don't want to waste time.  Not yours, the reader.  And not mine, the writer.

No matter when you read this -- whether it be today, or any time in the future -- whenever you read this:

let's go out and live the best life we can, today. 

If you're unemployed, then you live the best, most passionate unemployed life you can. 

If you're reading this while lying in bed, then you be the best damn lying-in-a-bed person you can possibly be.  Clench your stomach ten times.  Smile ten times.  Pull your arms across your chest, one at a time. 

I'm a humiliated bum, today.  Last night I lost to a bunch of amateurs.  Because I'm an amateur.

I'm not a professional comedian.  I'm a talented amateur.

I'm not a professional adult.  I'm a talented failure.

But today, I'm gonna go be the best bum I can possibly be.  I'm gonna try to learn more math.  And kill my arms at the gym. 

I gotta go.  And so do you.

I love you, and I hope you have a terrific day today.

Now remember: this is a social media site.  Stop giving it time.

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Year 3, Day 22: Up the Mountain

Hello, Mrs. Butterfly.
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We are back from running up a mountain of trash.  Which, somehow, Virginia Beach has made beautiful.

Today, you taught me to run like a locomotive.  My stomach and guts can run faster than my feet and legs.  My core is my engine.

It is Day 22. 
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On Day 25, I will perform at the Funny Bone, here in town.  In a perfect world, the booker of the club will be there.  And he will see me perform.  And I will be comfortable, and fun, and funny.

Preparation will help the chances of that happening. 

On Day 26, I have my final tutoring session with one of my students, before their Final Exam.  In a perfect world, we'll have a positive and productive hour.  And he will be inspired, and feel less like his exam is a finish line, and more like it's a hurdle, in the middle of a race he is getting better and better at.

Preparation will help the chances of that happening.

On Day 28, I have a game with my new basketball team, The Neptunes.  In a perfect world, you'll come to the game, and you'll have fun, and you'll feel like Rosie Perez in 'White Men Can't Jump.'  Except without me losing all our money.

Preparation will help the chances of that happening.

On Day 29, I have two tests that will help determine whether I become a Virginia Beach City Public School teacher, for the 2016-2017 school year.  In a perfect world, I'll show up early, feel prepared, and pass both tests.

Preparation will help the chances of that happening.
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I have a lot of goals, for the upcoming week.  And the best thing I can do for us, and for all of our goals, is to prepare for this week.  To come up with a plan.  Because I don't want to wake up on Tuesday and not feel ready.

Part of the challenge of being self-employed -- as a comedian, a REALTOR, a personal trainer, an anything -- is being your own boss. 

I am optimistic that I can be a terrific employee this week, because I can be a terrific boss this week.

I love you, and I am so excited for this week together.

After this morning, it should be a piece of cake.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Year 3, Day 20: The 20 Hours Rule

Hello, Mrs. Butterfly.

I always want to have better news for you.  I want to tell you I've won the lottery. 

Or better yet, that I've gotten a job.
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I have what feels like 30 tabs open, on our computer.  Our browser is spinning on a hamster wheel, visiting the same 8 links over, and over, and over.  Praxis, Multiple-Licensure-Routes, Alternative-Licensure-Routes, Virginia-Licensure-Requirements, Application for a Virginia License, Assessment-Requirements-for-Virginia Licensure,

(deep breath,)

Praxis, Multiple-Licensure-Routes, Alternative-----

And around and around I go, somehow never feeling like I've made any progress.
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But perhaps the "20-hour" rule applies here. 

That's the one discussed in this video:



I will do my best with our one client, today.  We are 5 hours in.  I think he is 15 hours away from being a terrific math student.
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I think this can be a great benefit of a marriage, too.  Or an engagement, for the time being.  : )

He mentions in that video how easy it is, for us to overestimate the amount of time we've spent, trying to learn something.

No, wait.  Not "trying to learn something."  Because when we're "trying to learn something,"

that means we are learning something.
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I think if we keep track of how much time we learn Spanish together, we can get through the initial 20 hours.  We can use good humor, and mutual support, to enjoy the time that is usually the most frustrating.

I think if we stay positive, we can do great things together.

I think we already are.
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See you this afternoon.  Another 30 minutes, climbing up trash.

Let's listen to some Spanish tonight.  : )

I love you.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Year 3, Day 19: Hello, Mrs. Butterfly

Hi.  I decided to write you on here.  Because of what you said, over the weekend.  About the picture of me using our engagement ring as a resting place, for my microphone.

I guess you did know all along.  You knew that if we were going to fall in love (which we did, immediately), it would be a public romance. 

And you made your own decision, that you were willing to fight through those muddy waters, to get to a better place, together.
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And so here we are.  I am writing you a love letter, on the Internet.

Which is not new.  But doing it here, on my website, is maybe a little new.  Maybe a little more public. 

Especially since people are going to start finding it, more and more.  And making it a part of their daily routines.

Or not.
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Something Dragonfly said last night:  she gets tired, trying to keep up so many "social media sites."

I do, too.  I think that's been one of my issues, over the years.  I've tried to do too much.  I've tried to live too many different lives, on the Internet.

And to think:  this whole time, "the Internet" hasn't been real.
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I am more comfortable than ever, writing you love letters online.  Because in the real world -- the physical world -- you have a ring on your finger, and we are now on our way to marriage. 

Which is exciting.  More than exciting.

Part of me wants to keep every aspect of our relationship private.  And who knows -- I may make that decision, starting tomorrow. 

But you are a part of my life, and I am a part of yours.  And that is terrific, wonderful, and exciting news, to both of us.  And I don't apologize for that.  I instead choose to shout it from the highest rooftop.

Hmm.  Maybe it's time I do that, literally.  Maybe on Thursday, I should shout from the top of Mount Trashmore.  That I am in love.  And that I have found my Ride-or-Die Boo.

I found my wife. 

And her name is Mrs. Butterfly Turner.

Saturday, May 21, 2016

Year 3, Day 8: Time to "Get a Growin' Job"

I know that sounds harsh. 

It's not.  It's just honest.
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It's time for me to get a growin' job. 

And that's okay.  I need one. 

Butterfly and I have a kid.  A kid who eats food, and wears clothes, and sleeps under a roof.

We both eat food, wear clothes, and sleep under a roof.

I love stand-up comedy.

I'm allowed to keep loving it, even if I have a full-time job.  And right now, I'm not making enough money to support a family -- or half of a family -- with my stand-up comedy.
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It was last Saturday, I started this blog again. 

I'm happy here in Virginia Beach, and proud of my life here.  I just need a full-time job, to make sure I can keep living it.
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I intend to continue this blog.  Having a job is no excuse to stop doing comedy, and it's no excuse to stop writing a blog.

I intend to keep making videos, too.

I'm proud of my first week.

And excited to see what happens in Week 2.




Thursday, May 19, 2016

Year 3, Day 6: The "9 to 5 comedian" angle

It's 9:01 am, on this Day 6.

I updated the side pages of my website, brysonturner.com

I wrote last night, preparing for my set tonight at Cinema Cafe', here in Virginia Beach.

I will continue trying to build up my local profile. 
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I want to push myself to branch out, too.

I think I could get some traction as "The 9-5 comedian" or something like that.

I decided to have faith in Butterfly this week, and so I've tried to think like a professional comic.

That has led to me looking at each day of this week, from a professional viewpoint. 
I looked at Monday like a Monday.
Tuesday like a Tuesday.
Wednesday like Wednesday.

Today is Thursday.  It's 9:10 in the morning.  I feel productive, and active. 

It feels like Thursday morning might be the only productive time, all week.  So far this week,

1.  I've spent Monday complaining about Monday,
2.  I have NO recollection of Tuesday (I think I was black-out bored, somehow)
3.  Wednesday was spent focusing on distracting myself to get to Thursday
4.  This morning, I really want to get some work done.

I'm in a great mood.  It's Thursday!  Tomorrow is Friday!

So I better hurry up, while I feel this way.  I'm gonna email some clubs, call some clubs, see who I can have good conversations with.
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I hope you are having a great day, whoever is reading this.

And I hope you have a very productive Thursday morning from 9:00 - 9:15 next week,
because 15 good minutes can change your life.

I'm Bryson Turner,

the 9-to-5 comedian,

signing in.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Year 3, Day 5: "The Work Week"

At 10:49 at night, I'm not totally sure why I'm writing. 

This was my first Wednesday of the work year.  It has been 5 days.  It already feels like a lost year, somehow.

As I dragged myself out of bed, and downstairs to the office, Butterfly said,

"Just remember:  As long as you're trying, you're doing."
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I believe her.

I have a plan for tomorrow.  Tomorrow is Day 6.

I've been invited to perform on a show here by Dan Ellison.  He runs a terrific show at Cinema Cafe', every Thursday at 9, right along Independence Boulevard.

My set will be 5 minutes long.  I will have to do a clean set.

I'm going to write out my set, and then run through it during the day tomorrow.

Butterfly will be at work, all day long tomorrow.  So to make her life as good as I can, I'll run errands throughout the day.  I'll do the dishes, the laundry, drop off the recycling and the landlords' mail.  I'm going to email the Virginian Pilot, the Richmond Funny Bone, and the DC Improv about jobs.  I'm going to follow up with my tutoring client.

It's 11:02 pm.  If I work on this set until midnight, I should have a great framework for tomorrow.

One hour.  The Warriors are up 27. I'm not missing anything.
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1.  I'm Bryson Turner, and my life is crazy.
2.  I have a partner, Miss Butterfly Starfish, who supports me and

No, wait.  I learned this lesson from Dragonfly last time.  I can't just talk about Butterfly the whole time.  It makes people sad that don't have someone. 

1.  Thank you for coming.  Because you didn't have to.  You could have said "Let's stay in." 
2.  If you're here, you're awesome.  Because you're not on brysonturner.com right now.
3.  I don't use Facebook.  Or Instagram.  I use the new one.  Um...brysonturner.com

4.  It's Thursday night.  Which means no matter who you are, you don't care that much about your Friday.
5.  Thursday is the best night for a show.  Because it's still the week, but it's a weekend thing. 
6.  It's like eating dessert when you haven't finished dinner yet.  But we're all adults.  So if we want to, we can do that.

7.  Butterfly has gone to work every day this week.  4 down, 1 to go.  And Friday....Friday isn't so bad.

8.  Friday is like...the cool-down lap of weekdays.  None of us are at our desks at 4:45 on a Friday, locked in.

9.  No, it's more like 2 pm on Wednesday, we start packing up to leave on Friday. 

10.  Some people hate Mondays.  I think Wednesdays might be worse. 

11.  No.  Mondays are the worst.  They just are.  There's no way to "spin" being the most-amount-of-days away from my next day off. 
11a.  And if you're the type of person who says, "Mondays aren't so bad! It's just how you look at 'em!!"
11b.  you're the reason I hate Mondays.
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12.  Tuesdays aren't as bad.  But Tuesdays aren't too...anything.
12a.  I'm not even sure Tuesdays exist.
12b.  Does anyone here remember anything that happened on Tuesday?
12c.  I don't mean this Tuesday -- I mean any Tuesday.  Ever.
12d.  Like is Tuesday an actual day?  Does it exist?  Or does Monday just feel so much slower than the other days, we call the first half of it Monday, and the second half of it Tuesday.
12e.  There might be only 6 days in a week.  I'm not sure.
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13.  Wednesday.  I never know how to feel on Wednesday.  Do I complain?  Or hope? 
13a.  Wednesday feels like I took a boat across the Atlantic Ocean, and I don't know if I'll ever see land again.
13b.  It's also the "hump day."  And probably I already said the funniest thing about Wednesday in the intro to this bit.  So we can move on. 
13c.  Shift the "sensory deprivation" line back to Tuesday.
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14.  Thursday.  Today.  Yes.
14a.  Thursday is a terrific day.  Because it's almost Friday.
14b.  That should be what it's called.  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Almost-Friday, and Friday.  That's the work-week.
14c.  Thursday swings both ways.  It can be a weekday, or a weekend-day.  It's bi-daily-al.
14d.  No other day is like that.  You're out tonight; that just means you care more about your happiness than your boss.
14e.  If you're out on a Wednesday, it means you care more about your happiness than your liver's.
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15.  Friday.  Ohhhh, Friday.  The greatest day. 
15... Sometimes I feel like I'm showing up, just to pack up. 
15...
15a.  You wanna know how great Friday is?  Jesus was nailed to a cross and Christians had to watch their savior crucified, and that was still a GOOD Friday.
15b.  "Hey, I think people might remember this.  Should we call it "Great Friday?"
15c.  Thomas!  Geez, a little tact.
15d.   ....Good Friday.  We'll go with Good, Friday.
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16.  Yeah, Friday is the best day.  Or is it?
16a.  Or does it just have the best PR man?
16b.  Because somehow, Fridays get even more hype than Saturdays.
16c.  There's no restaurant called TGIS.
16d.  Friday is a weekday.  A work day.  It has the same amount of work hours as Monday!
16e.  How have we been letting Friday bully the other days like this?  It gets away with everything!
16f.  And for what? 
(I don't know.  Write more)

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17.  Friday is the youngest of 5 children.  It's the baby.  Everyone thinks it's cute.  But it didn't choose that.
17a.  Monday is the oldest of 5 children.  It always gets blamed, even though it didn't actually do anything, except...come first.
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18.  So just make sure you enjoy the show tonight, and enjoy your day tomorrow.  And enjoy your weekend.  And then I'm not going to tell you to "enjoy" your Monday.  But just don't blame it.  It's not Monday's fault.  And then after Monday, y'know, have a great Wednesday.  And then hopefully, we'll see you back here, next week.
19.  Even though I might not be here. You'll still have a blast. 
20.  I'm Bryson Turner, now if you'll excuse me, I have to go update my status on brysonturner.com, which is going to make Facebook feel like Myspace.

21.  BrysonTurner.com
22.  It's 12:01 AM.  That was a great 59 minutes of writing.  And now I'm just killing time, until I can go upstairs and drink a calorie-laden milkshake, and then go to sleep next to Butterfly.

Boom.