a priori/a posteriori

Saturday, October 21, 2017

I am Having a Great Month

I'm giving myself 5 minutes to write this. 

Life has been busy, this month.  It's been stressful, probably.

I have fallen into a habit, as a writer.  I just journal.

It's lazy, I think.  Or maybe not lazy.  But...misguided? 

Journals can be valuable.  But part of me believes that the purpose of writing was to be able to communicate through space and time. 

We developed words, as a species, so that we could better communicate ideas.  And so we started speaking those ideas to each other.

But that was limiting the distance that an idea could travel -- the size of the ripple as it spread its wave outward.

So we slowly developed ways to make symbols "mean something"
I've been fascinated by that idea since I was a little kid.  Since I was a baby, probably.  I've quietly dreamt of being considered a "writer" and an "author"

Considered that by who?  I'm not sure.  When would I feel validated?  I'm not sure.

But my feelings are probably not the keys to the universe.  They are probably not why that first cave man (definitely was a woman)

dug rock into rock, and made our first mark.
So let's hope I move on soon

and start telling stories again

Saturday, September 30, 2017

Dry October

I don't know why it didn't occur to me sooner: 

I'm not going to tell any more jokes.
I don't know exactly when I started trying to be funny.

But I am a deflector.  Such a deflector, I might as well wear forearm pads, like that Superhero in that movie you watched.

My shields are made out of humor.  They are made out of jokes.  They are made out of off-hand comments, and intentionally-incorrect pronunciations, and beat-you-to-the-finish-line jabs.

My shields are up at all times.  At work, at parties, at funerals.  On dates, at home, at school.  On the basketball court.

Everywhere.  I don't take them off. 

I have spent my entire adult life -- and far back into the wilderness and forest of adolescence and childhood --

My entire LIFE --

wearing my humor shields.
So, for the month of October,

I'm taking them off.

It's September 30, as I type.

Tomorrow is a new month.  A month in which I will not wear my shields.

I don't know what will happen.  But whatever awaits me, I will not make a joke out of it.  I will deflect from the seriousness of my life.  From the gravity of whatever is on its way.

I am scared.  But my relief is already towering over my fear.

I get to just...experience.  I don't have to churn out one-liners on the couch with Vanessa, like my mouth is some sort of shitty twitter account with one frustrated follower.

I can just focus on growing up.
This was the post I was hoping I would get to, when I started to feel disenchanted with the parts of myself I found, while I was doing comedy full-time.

The mirror was not a pretty picture.  And I didn't see a viable way to get out.  I felt like I'd be the same person when I retired, as I was when I got my first ever gig.
I intend to document.

Friday, September 29, 2017

My Legacy as a Comedian

I always wanted to have a legacy. Now, I'm realizing we all have legacies. The focus needs to be on what it is.

The entire entertainment industry is misguided. I say this not as I whisper behind it's back, but as I stare at myself in the mirror.

I remain an active part of the entertainment industry. My level of success does not exclude me from knowing what it feels like to desire attention. 

That is the true currency of my industry: attention.  Attention is what distracts me from looking outside and noticing none of the water near my house looks clear. As I listen to a "free" podcast about betting on football, then watch games on Sunday with commercials for bottled water.

I don't have the focus or the mental stamina to connect all the dots. I do feel at times like I have been drugged by football.

If the CEO of Nestle was as outspoken as Donald Trump, I think now people would notice what that company is doing.

But for me to even mention the name of a person or a company is to give them power. For a person or a company to elicit hatred from me -- they are providing a form of entertainment.

My focus does not need to be on one man, or one CEO.

If I want to save the world, I have to realize that my own body is the only part of the world I can control. I am the Chief Executive, in a very real way, of my own mind. The Buck Stops Here.

It is not my choice, whether someone else products plastic bottles. It is 100 percent my choice, whether I use them.

To use a product is to give it my attention.

This planet existed before I "lived" in this form, and it will exist long after I "die."

My legacy will not be who paid attention to me. It will be who I gave my attention to.

Love, and I enjoyed riding the wave

Saturday, September 23, 2017

Parenthood is being an unpaid Taxi driver

At least, being the parent of a teenage daughter. Probably of a teenage son, too.

Maybe I'll write more about it when I get back from the mall.

Past of me will miss malls, when we're all sitting around our campfires, wondering why we thought "air conditioning" could be a thing

How Comedy Stole My Quarterlife

Comedy became an annoyance tactic, for me.

I meant to write avoidance tactic, but sometimes auto-correct knows me better than I do.

Comedy started as something I was passionate about. But the bad reasons for pursuing it grew, over time -- like mold growing on fruit.

Comedy became a reason for me to not do the things I didn't want to do, in life.

"Time to take life seriously." -- I'm taking comedy seriously

Times 100. Times 10 years. Times 20 concerned friend and family members.

I just kept avoiding. And the longer I waited, the taller the mountain became. As I held the mic at the bottom.

Thursday, September 21, 2017

"I don't want to ride the donkey. I want to ride the stallion"

Vanessa helps me write this blog.  She co-writes it.

If you are reading this, you are helping me to co-write it.

I believe that in a real, tangible way.  If you are reading this, you are co-writing it.  The ripples of connection run through time in both directions.
Vanessa has no interest in the already-happened ending.  She wants to be surprised. 

She has a legacy, and it is being shaped as I type.

I better shut up and listen

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

Mango Chili Airheads

Again:  I don't know why I'm so consumed with Airheads.  It is one of the candies that I always wanted more of, as a child.  So now, as an adult...I get more of it.

I bought Mike and Ike candy today, on my way to work.  I do that often.

I remember hearing stories about men who would get a paycheck, and then spend half of it at the bar on the way home from work.  I always judged the men in those stories.

Am I more or less sad than that story, if I do the exact thing, but spend it on candy?  At least the alcoholic made grown-man choices.  At least the alcoholic wasn't eating hipster dinners in his car, pumping his disappointed muscles full of sugar when they were shouting to their brain for protein.

Also, when is someone at Oreos headquarters gonna say, "Nah, let's not make that."
So I went to 7-11 tonight.  To get soda.  Because I have no discipline, and because I wanted to avoid working out.  And it gave me about 8 minutes away from home, which is really nice alone time with my phone.

I'm not cheating on Vanessa.  Not with a woman, anyway.  But I am in a long-term relationship with my phone.  I am seeing it on the down low.  I listen to it talk for hours, when I drive to and from work.  I check in with it every morning when I wake up, and every night before bed.

Sometimes I finish pooping and then stay in the bathroom to be with my phone.

Only problem is:  it's a terrible relationship.  I don't like it.

I like the one I have with Vanessa, much better.  And I'd like to work more on that one.
When I got to 7-11 for the soda, I was frozen in place by a new display case:  Limited Edition Airheads.  Flavors such as "Salted Watermelon," "Strawberry Lime," and

wait for it,

"Mango Chili"

I haven't been this excited last week, when I tried Mango Chili Oreos.
I am on to you, Big Candy.

You are making everything.  And it's all things I don't need.

I never needed you.  You screwed over my parents by getting in bed with Big Saturday Morning Cartoons.

I'm on to you.

I'm bringing the whole industry down.  This whole web of Big Industry lies.

I'm going to keep pulling these Jenga pieces out, one at a time.  I'm not worried about whether or not I topple the tower.  I just want to keep finding loose pieces.

Mango Chili Airheads