a priori/a posteriori

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


6:13 PM

It's too hot in the apartment. I may cross the street and do some writing in the bar. The bar is a more temperate place to take on the task of emptying out my brain. Fuck. I'll be back, writing, in a moment....

6:28 PM

...15 minutes later, the Wu-Tang Clan is playing. Method Man. 36 Chambers. Just brushed my teeth. Beer tastes like chemicals. I feel bloated and tired from last night. The mustache part of my beard is falling out one hair at a time.

Another sip of the beer. Still tastes like mint and fluoride. Par for course.  

Drinking is good and bad. When drunk, I feel less protected, emotionally, because there's less of a defensive wall up. So if I feel attacked, my id lashes out on a level that's more carnal than rational. The beneficial trade off that comes from being drunk is that there's less of a defensive wall up. So I can be more vulnerable when I writing. Of course, being vulnerable on it's own has no artistic merit, but if I can apply some level of emotional clarity to my drunk writing, then my vulnerability has value.

If you want to be open and vulnerable, but you don't put the work in, you have no more value than a tire going flat. Depth of insight doesn't come from skimming the surface of fashionable topics. It comes from being honest with yourself and understanding that while honesty may not result in flashy results, it's good, honest work for the sake of good honest work. Choosing lofty topics to speak on only because those topics allow you to use flamboyant language that makes you look smarter, doesn't make you smarter. I'd rather listen to someone with genuine heart discuss a bowel movement than listen to someone tell me about why Ron Paul will win the Iowa caucus, while using demagogic rhetoric designed make their current-event-based showboating look like passion.

I'm not sitting here, typing, so I can flippantly tell people they aren't deep because I say so. I don't like talking in those terms, anyways. This is a culture where we use standardized rankings to understand how we can evaluate our position against other people. If I get the highest grade in class, I know I'm the smartest. But what about depth? What level of depth do you have? How can I tell how deep you are so that I can try to be deeper? Can you standardize depth the way schools standardize measures of intelligence? Maybe some people just aren't naturally deep in the same way I'm not a naturally smart according to how schools evaluate our intelligence. My capacity to learn is greatly influenced by my enthusiasm towards a given topic. And when you're constantly in a state of moderate depression, very few things are capable of rousing enthusiasm. But, luckily, I know my limitations in life and I respect them. I don't waste my time putting effort into ventures that aren't right for me and I do my best to not worry how certain peers of mine are doing when, honestly, my successes and failures don't depend on the successes and failures of my certain peers.While it shouldn't be the case, typically our self-worth is graded on a social/peer curve. Trying to be inline with where I think I should be, rather than where I actually am, will only lead me astray.

My most productive and successful moments come when I figure out what my limitations are, and then I trick other people into thinking my limitations are actually benefits. It's an existential alchemy, converting supposed weaknesses into supposed strengths.

And that's how you inspire men in the face of defeat. You remind them that even though they are piles of shit fluttering about in a piss storm, clearly they must be doing something right if they've made it this far in a life that constantly wants to see them fail. It's okay to feel like a worthless individual when you realize that everyone is worthless. By recognizing this fact, you're not living a life of delusion like all those other people who have incorrectly appraised their lives. You know that gold is a rock. Organic grass fed beef was still slaughtered. You're going to die no matter how many distractions you put between yourself and that fact. At least, if you know life sucks, then you must be doing something right because you're not lying to yourself. You're not allowing yourself to be tricked, and so you can make choices that don't make you look like an asshole. That's how you inspire a men with a losing record to play one last game. That's how a woman tells her husband everything's going to be okay when his heart has a limited number of beats left. Inspiring people is what you do right before you send them off to die. You give them peace that no amount of defeat can take from them.

Another hair just fell out of the mustache part of my beard. I'm mildly depressed and underwhelmed. The beer I'm drinking tastes better than it did a few minutes ago. Being vulnerable makes me feel less vulnerable. I feel clear. I feel like another drink. Sociopaths make all A's and tell you want they think will upset you less. Artists spend too much time wondering what the fucking point is and not enough time actually answering the easy questions that get all A's. What's the fucking point? What's the fucking point. Truly and completely alive. Winning. 

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