a priori/a posteriori

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Losing Someone That You Kind of Knew

I just found out that a friend of mine, Emily Singleton, just died tragically from falling into the train tracks at Canal Street. She was a person that I hung out with at Tea Lounge, and she would watch me host/perform and she’d be a great audience member. She was someone I connected with.
This news jarred me. Whenever you find out that someone you know has died, it’s jarring. But this hit me for a couple of different reasons.
For starters, Emily was a beautiful person, in every sense of the word. She was magnetic and positive. She was like me in a beautiful woman’s body. She was just a delight to be around.
But also, I didn’t really know her at all.
I didn’t know she was an actress. I honestly didn’t even know her last name. The news told me that. We even had a running gag together that she would remember my name and I would always forget hers. Mostly due to the fact that when you perform, you’re always introduced with your name. So she heard my name a lot. Emily never performed so I didn’t hear her referred to by name that often. 
I mostly ever saw her at Tea Lounge. We would have conversations that told us that we were people that got each other, but never went too deep into the levels in which we did. Most of that is on me. I think I was intimidated by her beauty and therefore didn’t try to go deeper. Which sucks, because she made it abundantly clear that she was a big fan of mine. For me personally, female validation is a thing. It’s probably one of my weaknesses, in a sense. I care about what women think. And Emily thought I was cool.  
Or I may be romanticizing our level of connection now that she’s gone.
But I don’t think I am because I recognize the reality, which is that we didn’t knoweach other. She knew certain things about me from watching me perform, but I never really got to know her. Where was she from? I don’t remember. Family situation? No idea. In my world, she was a background character that was maybe going to be a breakout character for me a couple of seasons down the road. Now I’ll never know. 
If one of my best friends died, I’d be really sad. But I’d also know that I had established a very real and complete connection with that person. With someone like Emily, I have no idea. How high did the ceiling of our connection go?
And maybe it wouldn’t have even been romantic. Maybe I would’ve gotten to know her better, confessed love to her that wasn’t reciprocated and felt weird about it for a week. Maybe she’d just be another one of my hot female friends a la the great Kaytlin Bailey. Or maybe we’d have had an awesome relationship somewhere down the road when I had more of my shit together. 
But no, that’s not what happened. What happened is exactly what was supposed to. And I don’t mean that in a cruel way, there are people who actually knew Emily and loved her very personally (I love her unconditionally as I do everyone). But in the sense that any scenario of a possible future I put in my head will now clearly be incorrect. We were friendly acquaintances.
That word “acquaintance” sounds so shitty, doesn’t it? Just so hollow and devoid of human connection. But in this case, it wasn’t that. Emily and I’s relationship was hinged on 3 decent conversations, and a half dozen mild interactions. But I enjoyed all of them. I hope she did too. 
R.I.P. Emily Singleton, a great person that I kind of knew

No comments:

Post a Comment