Again: I don't know why I'm so consumed with Airheads. It is one of the candies that I always wanted more of, as a child. So now, as an adult...I get more of it.
I bought Mike and Ike candy today, on my way to work. I do that often.
I remember hearing stories about men who would get a paycheck, and then spend half of it at the bar on the way home from work. I always judged the men in those stories.
Am I more or less sad than that story, if I do the exact thing, but spend it on candy? At least the alcoholic made grown-man choices. At least the alcoholic wasn't eating hipster dinners in his car, pumping his disappointed muscles full of sugar when they were shouting to their brain for protein.
Also, when is someone at Oreos headquarters gonna say, "Nah, let's not make that."
_____
So I went to 7-11 tonight. To get soda. Because I have no discipline, and because I wanted to avoid working out. And it gave me about 8 minutes away from home, which is really nice alone time with my phone.
I'm not cheating on Vanessa. Not with a woman, anyway. But I am in a long-term relationship with my phone. I am seeing it on the down low. I listen to it talk for hours, when I drive to and from work. I check in with it every morning when I wake up, and every night before bed.
Sometimes I finish pooping and then stay in the bathroom to be with my phone.
Only problem is: it's a terrible relationship. I don't like it.
I like the one I have with Vanessa, much better. And I'd like to work more on that one.
_____
When I got to 7-11 for the soda, I was frozen in place by a new display case: Limited Edition Airheads. Flavors such as "Salted Watermelon," "Strawberry Lime," and
wait for it,
"Mango Chili"
I haven't been this excited last week, when I tried Mango Chili Oreos.
_____
I am on to you, Big Candy.
You are making everything. And it's all things I don't need.
I never needed you. You screwed over my parents by getting in bed with Big Saturday Morning Cartoons.
I'm on to you.
I'm bringing the whole industry down. This whole web of Big Industry lies.
I'm going to keep pulling these Jenga pieces out, one at a time. I'm not worried about whether or not I topple the tower. I just want to keep finding loose pieces.
Mango Chili Airheads
I bought Mike and Ike candy today, on my way to work. I do that often.
I remember hearing stories about men who would get a paycheck, and then spend half of it at the bar on the way home from work. I always judged the men in those stories.
Am I more or less sad than that story, if I do the exact thing, but spend it on candy? At least the alcoholic made grown-man choices. At least the alcoholic wasn't eating hipster dinners in his car, pumping his disappointed muscles full of sugar when they were shouting to their brain for protein.
Also, when is someone at Oreos headquarters gonna say, "Nah, let's not make that."
_____
So I went to 7-11 tonight. To get soda. Because I have no discipline, and because I wanted to avoid working out. And it gave me about 8 minutes away from home, which is really nice alone time with my phone.
I'm not cheating on Vanessa. Not with a woman, anyway. But I am in a long-term relationship with my phone. I am seeing it on the down low. I listen to it talk for hours, when I drive to and from work. I check in with it every morning when I wake up, and every night before bed.
Sometimes I finish pooping and then stay in the bathroom to be with my phone.
Only problem is: it's a terrible relationship. I don't like it.
I like the one I have with Vanessa, much better. And I'd like to work more on that one.
_____
When I got to 7-11 for the soda, I was frozen in place by a new display case: Limited Edition Airheads. Flavors such as "Salted Watermelon," "Strawberry Lime," and
wait for it,
"Mango Chili"
I haven't been this excited last week, when I tried Mango Chili Oreos.
_____
I am on to you, Big Candy.
You are making everything. And it's all things I don't need.
I never needed you. You screwed over my parents by getting in bed with Big Saturday Morning Cartoons.
I'm on to you.
I'm bringing the whole industry down. This whole web of Big Industry lies.
I'm going to keep pulling these Jenga pieces out, one at a time. I'm not worried about whether or not I topple the tower. I just want to keep finding loose pieces.
Mango Chili Airheads
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