a priori/a posteriori

Friday, July 29, 2016

I Can't Wait Until I Start Being Honest Again

Life is what happens when you're making other plans.

It's also what happens when you're writing on your blog.

Life is happening.  At all times.  NO matter what we're doing.

Life is happening.  As I write this.  As you read this.  (two different moments in time, by the way)
When I started writing this blog, I was somebody else. 

By continuing to write it, I've been tempted to STAY that same person.  As a courtesy to my readers? 

Maybe as a courtesy to myself.  Because I started to define my life as "a story"

And I've learned through my life that "a story" needs a protagonist.  And it needs to be the same hero.  Or else people get confused.  People won't feel invested in the story anymore.  They won't be interested

To that I say:  MALARKEY!!
I am a different person than I was, when I first started writing.  There are different people surrounding me.  I don't even know Lucas anymore.  We haven't spoken for years. 

The temptation is to think that matters.  It doesn't.  The goal of anything should be to grow from it.  To not stay stagnant. 

Or maybe not.  I may be wrong.  I may have been wrong, this whole time. 

I don't get to know, one way or the other.  I can only try my best.  And so that's what I'm doing.
I have a fiance' named Vanessa now.  I'm interested to see where life takes us together. 

I am writing this during the summer of 2016.  I find the theater of politics fascinating.  I find the experience of parenting fascinating.  I find commercials fascinating.  I find basketball fascinating.

I find Vanessa fascinating. 
I don't think I'm only defined by one thing.  I never should have thought that.  It wasn't a healthy way to grow myself, as a person.  Or as a living thing.  Which I am.

I am not a "character," per se.  But that was always my dream, for some reason.  I wanted to be a "character," like the ones I saw on TV. 

Now, I want to be a "person," like the ones I see in real life. 
Quitting comedy feels like being Pinnocchio, and wishing you could be a real boy.  It feels like all the things that come naturally to everyone else, are impossible dreams.  A "work ethic."  A resume' with references.  A third thing.

A lack of a need for attention.  A lack of a need for approval.  From strangers. 

A lack of a need for an audience. 

Most people are able to just go through their day, and don't need hundreds of people to cheer for them.

How do you do that? 
I'm transitioning back into the normal, "non-entertainment" world.  My transition has been mostly pathetic.  It has been slow.  I have kicked and screamed. 

If you don't believe me, just ask my step-kid.  Who I should be calling my "kid," by now.

And who should be watching me go to a job every morning, by now.  Instead of working part-time, and running around to whatever odd jobs I can find. 

My life is not glamorous right now.  But I'm not sure "glamorous" should have ever been the goal. 

My life is close to being "legitimate."   Which will be a much more meaningful adjective, when I can use it with confidence.

Vanessa has been the fun-and-forgiving rock that I've used as my stabilizing force, these past couple years.  This story is hers now, as much as mine.  And she made the decision -- many years before I showed up -- that her story was going to be her child's.

So in a way, this story is now that kid's story. 
I think that's the healthy way the world is supposed to work.  The universe was not meant to belong to my 98 year-old grandfather.  I'm not sure why any human being should live that long. 

Maybe a tree, or some ancient turtle in the South Pacific.  But humans?  It upsets the balance of the planet.

I'm not saying we should go kill Bob Newhart and Don Rickles.

But since we're going to run out of money for Social Security soon, how about this:  once you turn 100, you stop receiving it.

Is that crazy?  Am I a monster for thinking that my grandfather should have to pay for his healthcare, once he's already lived 100 healthy years?

Can we take away that money, and put it toward the Social Security of people who may never get to see 90?  Or 80?  Or 70?

Can we take the post-100 Social Security money, and commit it to sick children?  Children who have limited access to medicine and healthcare?

Is that crazy?  Is it crazy that once we see our parents die, we should be mature enough to handle the issue of our grandparents dying?
In that same way, I think it's important to tell new stories.  I spent ten selfish years, trying to be the "star of the world." 

I wanted the world to be my world.  And I wanted everyone else to exist in it.

You can believe me or not.  But I really was that self-centered. 

Parts of me still are.
I don't want to be.  I want to think more universally.  It's hard.  I'm a recovering narcissist.  A recovering megalomaniac.

If there is such a thing.
The world's story will continue without me, the same way the "comedy world" has continued without me.  I will want to be a part of it.  But most of the things I would have said, are getting said. 

And that's good news.  Not bad news.  It means that I was there the whole time.  I was there before I ever stepped on a stage.  In fact, that's why I wanted to do stand-up in the first place:  because I saw kindred spirits.

Those kindred spirits made me want to be a part of stand-up comedy, too.  In a way, my actions were a tribute to those inspiring minds, those inspiring people.

I'll probably get on stages again, in the future.  I still enjoy it, when I don't put pressure on myself to be something or someone I'm not.

But it can't just be about me. 

It can't just be about two people, either.  But that's a good start.  Two is better than one.
And then we can build out, from there. 

In this case, two is already three.

And on, and on, and on.

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