a priori/a posteriori

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

If I Die During February (You feel me?)

I have about 90 minutes, before I take a one-month hiatus from this website.

I don't expect to die during that one-month,
but if I do:

I enjoyed my entire life.  I was overly-sheltered as a child, but I don't hold that against my parents.  I got a late start to adulthood, but I have a good attitude.  I would take that trade again.

I was a hipster for a while, there.  I wanted to be a comedian.  But almost all comedians are hipsters, it turns out.  At least from what I knew of the industry in the early-to-mid 2010s, they were.

I don't actually know that.  I just know that I was.  And so I project.
I avoided a lot of major adult responsibilities.  I wish I hadn't.  I think I would have been proud of every difficult step I took, as a grown up.  Life insurance.  Credit scores.  Volunteering for Meals-on-Wheels.

When I died, (if I died), I was just realizing that after each difficult task, the next one got easier.  And I got more and more confident.

There were moments when I had a really smooth jump shot.

I will always be proud of what I did with Mr. Morris, Sean Dreher, Ryan O'Malley, and all the amazing people at NATV. 

I wish I would have been less judgmental of my friends on my high school basketball and volleyball teams.  And I wish I would have gotten involved with the drama department.  I thought I had to pick sports or performance.  I had no idea how WIDE OPEN the world of high school is, if you just stop worrying about that thing called your "reputation."

I hope for as long as we mistakenly separate "humans" from other animals and other living things, we strive to be kinder to everything we see as the "others"

I hope whatever happens after I die, it helps fill the world with guttural, healing, cleansing laughter.
I hope nobody ever remembers me, if that's what makes the world a better place.  I'd rather be forgotten clean water than remembered pollution.

I hope somebody treats Vanessa like a queen, and I hope Dragonfly finds someone who would walk to the moon for her.

I hope Vanessa gets to paint and write, full-time.  And do everything else she wants to try.  Because everything she does, it ends up making the world better.  She is humble, and beautiful, and brilliant.  Like a Supernova Star.  To be around her was to be charged like a battery.

I was proud of these past few years.  I have struggled mightily, to get my life back on solid ground.  Even if only a few people saw the progress, I am immensely proud of it.  I could have quit, a few years ago.  And I didn't.  I decided to start the long, slow, embarrassing journey -- back toward adulthood.

I was still on the journey.  There will be no parade for me.  But I am still proud.  My effort made a difference.  The world is in a better place, than if I'd quit. 

If I die during February, don't worry.

It probably means I knew I would.

So I packed a year into January.

You feel me?

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